Final day Insecurities

Today was my last day of placement at medical school. I.e. pretty much The End. All that's left now is final exams (starting next week), then I'm essentially free until August. That's it done. Finito. 4 years (well 3 and a half I guess) gone in a blink.

{I found out yesterday where my junior doctor job will be as well: I'm leaving London and returning (home) to Liverpool, so I'm truly coming to the end of an era here, (But that's another blog post!)}


Once I pass my exams it means technically I'm a doctor. Which I've always thought a bit weird, but I guess is like birthdays, or New Year's Eve. One second you're one thing, one age, it's one year, the next second you're something different. Yesterday you weren't a doctor, today you are.

But it's not that really, you change into the semblance of one over the course of 4, 5, 6 years. So gradually you don't even notice it. It's impossible to put your finger on, to exactly pinpoint a time when you changed or suddenly got a lot better at examining a patient, or taking a history from someone.


But despite all the prep, all the years hanging out in hospitals, revising, working, - I'm still pretty terrified about starting. Like, nothing really prepares you. I just hope that I'm not one of those F1s (junior doctors) that hates their lives and are genuinely miserable, and I feel like there are a lot of them about, and have heard some absolute horror stories. There are a fair few people in my year who are already disillusioned with medicine before even starting. Some others are getting excited about getting a wage and being paid (yes, agreed will be good), but I'm pretty sure the novelty will wear off rapidly, when you're so exhausted from your 6th night shift in a row that you don't even have the time to spend any money because all you want to do is sleep with any minuscule free time that you might have, on top of dealing with all the nightmarish bureaucracy that working for the NHS entails, and being so busy that you don't have time to pee, let alone eat anything!



I guess I should try and forget all of this right now, and just look forward to the next 4 months which will genuinely be freaking amazing, but there, in the back of my mind is a not unsubstantial insecurity that after 4 years of preparation (and god knows how many thousands of pounds) that I'm just not going to like my job very much. Hopefully I'll be proved wrong.